Its been almost two months now since my return to Florida. For the first few days being back home was so strange. The house felt so sterile. The water tasted so different. Everything that I was in this home and everything about the home itself felt new. The way I moved about the house and the things I interacted with was fresh. I could instantly see what needed changing and what felt wrong. There is only so much I can do though. For a long time now I've clung on to things and certain ways of life. I celebrated my 30th up north and thinking back on the past ten years has made me realize that I am a stagnant person. The things around me seem frozen in time. My actions are as a minute hand. That's all changed now.
I was expecting my escape to simply be that. A chance to leave everything in Florida behind for a short time. Maybe get some work done. Maybe relax. Neither happened. Instead my visit became a soul quest. The snow-coated landscape muted all things and left me to my thoughts which I wandered constantly. I didn't give up anything for Lent and didn't really think about it, but little did I know I was going through a Lenten journey. Certain fears were discovered and faced. Some were conquered and some I still struggle with today. I think I'm winning though. I realized that I had been depressed for a very long time. There were some serious highs and lows through the entire stay.
Sadly, I've lost my train of thought now. What really brings me to write tonight is a conversation my sisters and I had around a campfire. Peter and Jenny were in town so we celebrated at Alison and Joey's place. Alison started talking about a time when we were kids walking along a snowbank and she had sunk into it up to her shoulders. I couldn't pull her free so Grandma had to bring a shovel to help get her out. I don't exactly recall that part but as the conversation continued more nostalgic memories were shared by both Stephanie and Alison. It was interesting to hear their perspective on our childhood. My memories of growing up in New England are what inspired me in many things and my many travels back, but every time I return it simply feels more and more like a cold and familiar land. I'm in love with the memories; not the place. I thought on our nostalgic talk and realized what a blessed childhood we had together. I realize now that those blessings continue to this day. How wonderful it is that I can sit around a campfire with my family and simply be together so regularly, and that the memories we talked about tonight are still being made.

Tags: florida, north

So, in perhaps the natural way of things, I've spent some time wondering just what possessed me to decimate the decent life I had going, pack up my stuff, and move to New York, and implode any sustainability or profitability I had going before. At the time, it felt like the sort of daring, possibly stupid thin that might pay off in a big way. In retrospect, it just seems stupid. There's no part of my life that wasn't affected--professional, financial, familial, friendships, emotional, my own sense of personal integrity--they all took a hit. They all need to get rebuilt.

I think that--whatever predisposition I have for depression and the like aside--my dad raised me and my brother to believe that we could make something for ourselves. Partly because we're smart in our own right, but also implicitly clear is the idea that my dad worked really hard, his whole life, to give us chances that he didn't have. He made it explicitly clear to me when I was in high school that he would put me through whatever college I wanted. The rest was up to me. Which is fine as far as that goes, and the fact that my dad was basically able to do what he set out to do as a parent--to give his kids better opportunities than he had--is really impressive to me. But the flip side of that--and fairly explicit in my dad's attitudes--is that if you fuck up, it's your own fault. As a white middle class American girl with a decent amount of brains and a financially stable family, I really had to go out of my way to fail at things. If you succeed, it's because that's how it was supposed to go. If you fail, well, that's your fault.

I sort I hate saying that I was subconsciously trying to do anything, but I do think that by atom-bombing my life, I was trying to do two contradictory things. One was to try and do all the awesome stuff that my dad had told me I was always capable of doing (like write books). The other was that I wanted to succeed--or, barring that, to fail--on my own terms, and to know myself better, and not just fill te role that my race and class set down for me.

These days, I think what I really just want is stability.

Okay. Now I must actually work.

Tags: via ljapp
Current Location: US, Colorado, Denver, Central Park Blvd

Hey livejournal. Long time no see. Lets see. Things that have happened.

My friend skippy sent me his old iPhone, and I discovered that a prepay plan for an iPhone was actually cheaper per month than the monthly plan for my low-budget phone. So, I am typing this on a fancy iPhone. I don't usually have a ton of downtime here and there, so I don't know if posting by phone app will become a regular thing (the fact that the app doesn't seem to save drafts is singularly annoying), but maybe.

I found a 2nd job at the end of march. Back in November, Denver voters passed a bond issue that levied monies specifically for the Denver Public Library, Fire Department, and Police Department. Denver has this stupid thing called TABOR, which was enacted to keep city spending in check, but when it combined with the 2008 downturn it caused a clusterfuck (autocorrected to cluster duck, thanks, apple) of difficulty that aggravated what was already a bad enough situation. Denver voters, upon hearing that the FD and the PD hasn't been able to hire any new recruits since 2004, didn't repeal TABOR by any means, but at least freed up certain agencies from some of the bullshit rules that had been tying their hands. So, long sort short, DPL hired about 100 people in 3 months, and I was one of them. (According to HR, they processed 13,000 applications and did 800 interviews). And I really can't say how relieved I am to being, if nowhere near stable, at least on my way in that direction. I catch myself actually planning for the future sometimes, which isn't something I've done for awhile.

Going to post this before something happens and I lose my draft. I'm babysitting the sorter at work, so while I'm not exactly breaking the rules being on LJ, I'm not exactly settled somewhere where I can write either. brb.

Tags: via ljapp
Current Location: US, Colorado, Denver, Central Park Blvd